reflections…

There are quite a few food related stories from my childhood and later years that are long forgotten yet have remained firmly embedded in my memory. There was a time I tried making pork adobo in Japan which turned out either too sour or too black (too much soy sauce). I was asked by my mother to do it and I had no choice.

Me: (Putting all the ingredients together) Too sour…

3 minutes later

Me: too black. What the heck!

Mother: Ah. The familiar smell!

Me: (tried to fix it)

At the dinner table

Relatives: So this is what you call Philippine made adobo!

(while munching)

Great. They really had no idea. J

Also, fiestas and reunions in my town were always a gastronomic grandeur.

Aunt: Why don’t you eat?

Me: I am eating.

Aunt: Why don’t you try this pancit?

Me with mouth full: OK. Thanks.

Ten minutes later

Aunt: Try more of these! Have some more of the pancit!

Eat, eat, Eaaaaaaaat!

And so it goes on and on.

Well, all these memories of food indulgence were fuzzy but one particular incident became clear to me recently one Sunday afternoon after I went grocery shopping and found in a shelf a can of bagoong. It’s been a while since I’ve eaten good old bagoong. So I took one in a jiffy and went straight home. I opened the can, took a sniff and then memories came flooding in.

Needless to say, bagoong is the main ingredient in my story.

It was one fine lazy lunch time where I mistakenly took bagoong for a corned beef. I took a heap, dumped it in my plate and tadaaa!! Too late! I could see the dour expression on everybody’s faces. Such a ridiculous act. I felt crumbling into pieces and wished right then and there the earth would open up and devour me. To make the story short, I was forced to finish all that was in my plate. Didn’t our parents suppose to teach that?

But then, I don’t get to hate bagoong. In fact, I am craving for it. I crave it with green mangoes. I love smothering it with my kare kare.  I’m sure a lot would induce a pavlovian drool after reading this. Some would twitch at the smell of it but I would always love its aroma. Just think of these tiny shrimps with little feet wearing a week long dirty socks parading around in their old nikes on a sweltering April noon. But of course in a good delicious way.

As I got older, I learned to enjoy bagoong in mini doses. I learned my lesson in a delightful palatable way.

Love. So many words spoken about it, so many songs sang and poems composed. The more we define love, the more it gets confusing. Wouldn’t it possible to reduce love to any measure close to nothing? I mean wouldn’t it possible to diminish love into insignificant unities? Yet the complexities of love make it more exhilarating. Love is peeping into many of our daily acts and into multiple recesses of our private life. In other words, love can’t be reduced to an abstract fact.

What can I say that will capture my story without revealing identifiable details?

Looking back, I can’t identify when and how love started, only that it did start, and grew. It began with an imperceptible pinprick then it grew and grew until it became uncontainable. I felt buoyant with increased energy. Quietly but deliberately, I was left clinging till I realized I became unguarded.

We are constantly learning the profoundness of love. There is no red ribbon signifying an end to the race of love. It’s a long way to go. It’s always time to take a chance on the unknown, where love is uncertain.

Shutter Island by Dennis Lehane -  it is so engrossing! def going to catch it in the cinema next year by no less my ultimate crush Leo di Caprio! ( :

a night to remember by Walter Lord- true account on the last few hours of titanic. -Shocking!

choco sundae - can’t stop thinking about this for the whole week

Michael Jackson - i honestly got teary eyed while listening to Ben and One Day in your Life. The moonwalking guy is gone for good. sad.

christmas blues - i want to go home. lol!

what are you going to do when you have nothing else to do? pick your nose? daydream? send a text message? seems hard to think of what to do when you’ve done all the things that you are suppose to do… or so it seems.

 i found out that the last blog i had written was in 2007, was i too busy then? guess i was too preoccupied or maybe, just maybe i had this writers’ block. baffling since i’m no writer. haha! many things happened then. found new friends, they came and went. rekindled old friends, they came and stayed. funny how things turned up when we least expected it. life for me has been peachy on the outside, a bit rotten on the inside or the other way around. but its okizzzay! i managed to crawl my way out of bad luck. now i can smell the roses nearby.

so this is what a rainy day can do to me. im trying to pick up all my scattered thoughts around and piece them all together to form one gigantic picturesque artwork. it looks impressive. it looks grand. it looks too good to be real. and that what keeps a smug grin on my face.

My readjustment of perception about happiness was helped out by a bad case of insomnia that kept me awake way past my bedtime. I poured myself a mug of coffee early this morning and now I felt like my day is just starting. (I’m no coffee drinker) Stuffed-up brain shut up inside my head like a sphere of peaceful quiet but I simply couldn’t put myself to sleep. So I propped up in bed, turned on the late night news and tried to jam all the long range thoughts and experiences that happened in my life so far.

When I moved to the city two years ago, I didn’t think much of it. I had learned from the experience of others not to expect a sudden attack of delight upon arrival. My first thought - "Here I am" - said enough, was without trying to wring ecstacy out of its sneaky city style. However, I was aware of paradise and hell being here and I meant to have a  look at these. I realized I turned my life into one long interior monologue and this just might be the turning point in what seemed to be a hopeless story about my eventual ruin. I’ll be honest. Those past years have been rough. There’s a lot of anger, hatred, bitterness and sadness out there - but I think I’ve changed. I don’t say people shouldn’t  feel that way, but I do feel that we should be willing to change. We all change because life is change.

I felt happier and restored - grateful to God for letting me learn to swim in wider circles of life. Incidentally, I was talking to a friend who was experiencing perceptible moment of depression. If only I could inject insurmountable amount of happiness to him. Happiness is personal. It can’t be begrudged to anyone nor promised to anyone. It depends pretty much on the individual. Don’t let sadness warp our life because life is so wonderful. I don’t know if I’ve simplified my life but I do know that I’m a lot  happier now because I’ve found a lot of things to be inspired of. Somehow I believe that God writes a lot of comedy but the trouble is, He’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny. Heavy, right? Not necessarily. In fact, the emphasis of life is definitely away from heaviness but toward lightness and informality. Comfortable. Feeling good. Being yourself. Being okay. And that’s what happiness is for me.

It’s true that we will all live happily ever after, but believe me, we have had to work at it!

Things I’ve learned today:

Being happy has not been difficult for most of us Filipinos. According to a survey, Family, Health and Religion are the 3 most important sources  of happiness. Sex ranks among the least important as well as politics.

It also shows that women are happier than men. (Yipee!!)

In the meantime, be HAPPY, good luck and stay out of dark alleys.

They say that days are like fingerprints, no one exactly like another in its whorls and ridges. It’s as different as two sunrises, or billfolds or yesterday and tomorrow. But some tend to think of days as being rather similar to each other, except maybe Christmas or New Year’s or Sunday. Well, Earth had turned the Philippines into a rainy Tuesday because of the typhoon Ineng. My attitude toward Tuesday were yet vague, uncomprehending. But this particular day was quite different. To start with, I was awakened from my deep slumber because of a drunk neighbor yelling like a madman at 1 AM! Now let me say this… whatever you do, PLEASE DON’T BARGE INTO MY SLEEP!! @#!%$! Some people can sleep at the sight of a pillow but for me, I would count a thousand sheeps, harvest their wools and knit a sweater out of it but then again I would just lie awake and stare at the ceiling for hours. Sleep for me is like a pot of gold at the rainbows’ end. It’s my precious luxury so please do not barge in when I’m sleeping or else I would morphed into a big and green and mean… never mind. (-:

Now if there were fears or hopes that the Philippines might not get out of bed this Tuesday morning, however, they were quickly dispelled for already, thousand of beds were made, thousand of cigarettes were smoked and million cups of coffee being poured. And as daylight spread over the archipelago, lights came on in millions of homes, apartments, condominiums and barong barong. Women brushed their hair, their childrens’ hair, men scanned headlines, gulped coffee, and children tied shoelaces and some simply whimpered. And so the morning began. For several hours, time seemed to pass quickly. Before I knew it, it was almost noon. A lot had been earned. Although a billion debts had been incured, billions had also been added to the gross national product. Some major policy announced, Chairman Abalos resigned, officeworkers crowded the lunchrooms, leftovers were brought out of refrigerators. Some ate their lunches, some skipped it.

As the nation slipped into afternoon, it seemed to lose stride and falter. It was siesta time for some. Clocks were watched, the national mood shifted to one of boredom with an occasional moment of outright despair. The country seemed less sure of itself. But I was glad. I could go home.

As the sun swept downward, as long shadows fell, regret was felt by millions who clogged EDSA, the freeway, the MRT, jammed buses or those piled into taxis. At night, street lights in the cities twinkled in this cold air. Traffic lights blinked red, yellow and green and christmas lights started outlining windows and front porches of home. A large part of the Filipinos would spend at least part of the evening watching soap operas while some would fall asleep while doing so. (I’m so guilty) Despite all the problems, our country slipped into a fundamentally sound sleep. It slept because it was tired. Soon it was midnight and Tuesday was over.

So this was more or less just what its like a day ago Tuesday. People are up to the constant ebb and flow and pace and rhythm and ceaseless change of their lives. We all have hopes and dreams and fear and yet I’m still looking forward to another Tuesday of my life. A Tuesday printed with various hundreds of words but hopefully many of them will be verbs. (-:

Most of us have been reminded that DANGER remains Manila’s number one problem. Simply crossing the street means running for your dear life and perhaps a few of us were moved to check our own houses for hazards (the notorious Akyat Bahay Gang), for although some dangers can’t be completely eliminated- such as the descent of an enormous flying object crushing your house to smithereens- there are dangers we can eliminate. These are the things we have been warned against time and time again, and would think people would learn, but do they? No.

Let’s get down to some specifics.

People who put their hands on hot objects. "Dont touch it, It’s HOT" blinking in neon lights and what do people do? They grab hold. Dumb? You bet and yet you see people doing dumb things everyday, not just kids but men and women with college degrees. God must loved dumb people, He made lots of them.

Yes, many people don’t have the sense that God gave to dogs. For example, people have been told a thousand times not to put strange things in their mouths and yet, many assume that anything natural is good and wont hurt.. so the best rule: Don’t eat it. If you do, spit it out.

Well, eating itself is a danger area most people overlook completely, thinking, I wont choke, it can’t happen to me. This should be a lesson to the rest of us. What is choking like? Those who have experienced it will probably describe it as the most humiliating thing that ever happened. Is it worth it? How much better to be smart and not choke at all! So please remember: Eat slowly, take small bites and don’t talk with food in your mouth. You don’t have to dawdle but do chew thoroughly. Fishbones are the real killers so better yet, shred the fish. But if you should choke, don’t panic! Don’t jump up and run. Stay where you are and motion for assistance.

Now running is also a danger area often pooh-poohed by everybody but this will lead to more and more cases of (1) Bumping (2) Tripping and (3) Falling. So don’t run (except on emergencies). Don’t run on busy streets, uneven grounds, in the dark and in the house, especially if you’re tall. It’s just so plain dumb. A lot of tall persons just dash headlong into low doorways, light fixtures and decorative overhangs. So dumb. )-:

So watch where you’re going. Many feel its a sign of shame to watch their feet while walking and so they keep their eyes straight and walk tall. They’re looking for trouble. But few falls are caused by being cross-eyed and nothing can be done about those, either.  We have been warned about crossing our eyes for fun while in school, but we went ahead and did it anyway. Now we will just have to live with it.

So be careful. A little common sense is our major weapon against danger. If people would just stop and think the chance of accidents would be slashed dramatically.

Now chances are you will have read this in a very poor light. You knew it was wrong but you went right ahead and read it anyway. What can I tell you that has been said a thousand times before? (Ha.Ha.Ha.)  (-:

I became Big Brother’s housemate for an hour..unexpectedly. How things turned out that way, let’s say it was purely out of luck. I used to watch PBB on TV but I never imagined myself in the limelight so when I was literally inside the house, brushing elbows with some ex housemates and probably the most handsome TV director Direk Lauren, I was flushed with excitement and I suddenly became a fan.

So this was how every housemate felt when the cameras started rolling. Every move observed, every mannerism magnified, every conversation eavesdropped. I was aware that behind those 2 way mirrors were pairs of eyes watching my every move. I told myself I can’t bear living within these walls when everything you say, do and feel will be recorded and shown to the whole world to see. Well, I’m not just born to be a celebrity. At least, I did became one for an hour. A flash in the pan.

The fun thing that happened inside the house was the domino task. We were divided into 3 groups and the group with the tallest domino tower would win. Lady Luck was at our side so we were ushered inside the confession room and was interviewed by Big Brother himself, no less! Did he mention my name? Of course he did and I could not believe my ears!! The whole scenario was so dreamlike. It was really a once in a lifetime experience as what I told Big Brother.

So the day unfolded with thoughts racing through my mind. What if some shots will be shown on TV?! I would probably sulk in a corner for days!! What if Piolo Pascual showed up at the last minute? I would die of heart attack!! I was really hoping to see him but I guess that was too much to ask for. I would just slip back into my dreamlike phase and wish for my handsome dreamboy Piolo.

The Big Brother experience was the icing on my cake.. a burnt cake. It was a breath of something different from my everyday life. It was surreal but at the end of the day, we all go back from where we started. I just hope Kuya will remember my name..

It happened the day I was invited to be the godmother of a friend’s daughter. Needless to say, I was ecstatic but I quickly switched myself into self introspection. God, I’m not getting any younger. My eldest godchild is growing so fast that he literally is just a few inches shorter than me. Sooner or later, all of them will dwarf over me and I will be buried deeper and deeper and deeper…

Okay, that’s not how it exactly happened. The thought that came into my mind was the question most dreaded by all singletons like me, “So how come you’re still not married?” Good question. Next please? “Why are there still so many unmarried girls in the office today?” Great. On such occasions like these, I just put a big smile on my face and casually say, “Well, I just came out from a series of Lonely Planet and discovered I’m growing hair all over my body.”

You might think I’m such a bitchy witch ranting over marital bliss and wailing like a banshee over the state of my life. Hell, no! Of course, I still believe in this thing called love. I do have my romantic side intact. I still gush over cheesy love stories and mushy love songs. I still cry at the end of romantic movies. And oh, I do believe the one is out there for me. The one who will break every code and storm every barrier, someone who will stay at my side and hold my hand. Someone who knows the word love in different languages. I just wouldn’t know if I’d met him. Maybe he’s met me but just let me go or maybe I’ve met him and just let him go. But then, I wouldn’t wait for that one till my hair is the same color as my wedding gown. Life must go on. And there’s a lot of work to do.

As I snapped out of my reverie, the word “I do” seemed like a gazillion miles away, for now. But I know in this process of wanting, waiting, losing and missing the one, I came to appreciate the real me. I know I’m enjoying my time and all the things I have for myself and for my family. And I’m content with that. I think I’m just too nice, perhaps too nice to be given away as a present.

Let me share some of my favorite quotes.

1. Life is a drawing without an eraser.

2. In the depths of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.

3. God gives me hills to climb and strength for climbing. – Arthur Guiterman

4. Wise are they who have learned these truths: Trouble is temporary; Time is tonic; Tribulation is a test tube. – William Arthur Ward

5. Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. – Garth Brooks

6. In three words, I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. IT GOES ON. – Robert Frost

7. Be nice to the people on your way up, because you will meet them on your way down.

8. Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. – John Watson

9. It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you don’t stop. – Confucius

10. It is not genius, nor glory, nor love that reflects the greatness of the human soul, it is Kindness. – Henri Dominique Lacordaire